Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
