I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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