Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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