Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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