And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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