I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
