so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
