I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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