my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
