spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
