he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
