I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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