I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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