I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
