break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
