You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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