she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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