I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
