The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
