someone get that fucking seahorse.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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