wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
