My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
