I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
