I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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