BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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