Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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