Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
then he tried to convert me to islam
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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