Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
