you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
