Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
