Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
