i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
