I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
