i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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