You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
