I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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