I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
