the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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