I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Little spoons don't ask big questions
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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