my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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