Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize