I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
