I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
