Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
