I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
