I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
