So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
