u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
