Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
