stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also, beer. Big fan.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
