Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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