Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can you bring me the toilet please
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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