Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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