Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize