Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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