I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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