dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
