I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
