dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
