Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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