I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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