Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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