Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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