I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
