The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
