I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
